I sat on the cold metal bars of the bench waiting for the train to arrive
I watched eagerly down the line for a sign of movement, rubbing my hands together to create warmth
It must’ve been 2 degrees out
I wrapped my scarf around my neck
and until only the tassles hung down
The train was late
I reached into my pocket to grab my phone forgetting the mass amounts of receipts I had in there
They quickly got caught up with the wind, circulating through the air like symphonies
There was no point trying to grab them
Plus there was no one around so I didn’t feel as bad about littering
I perched eagle eyed waiting for the train to come, I just wanted to get home
I was shattered, I’d been walking all day
I felt like I’d been walking for 10 hours and all I wanted to do was be horizontal for a while and stare at the ceiling
Looking down the tunnel I saw two lights approaching, this must be it
I stood up and went to pick my rucksack from the floor when I saw it
Your pass card
You’d shown it to me when we had sat up in your room that time
You were 13 and long straight hair grazed your forehead
You were nothing like the curly haired boy I had come to know and love
I told you I was taking it and tucked you neatly into my purse
How was it on the floor now?
I must have accidentally have swiped it up with all my receipts and stuffed it in to my pocket
Too heavy to be swept up with the wind you just fell to the floor
Now you were just lying there, vacantly staring at me
I stood for what must have been too long just remembering
too long because I hadn’t seen that face in a while and
too long because now the train was at the platform
I bent down to pick you up and then thought against it
I guess it’s time I let go
I guess it’s time I leave you here
I guess it’s time I move on too
I stepped onto the train and walked over to the next free seat
I gazed out the window at the small laminated card on the ground as the train pulled away.
Hidden messages in my mirror
Hidden messages in my notebook
Hidden messages in my conversations
Hidden messages on my computer
Hidden messages in my thoughts
Hidden messages in my actions
Hidden messages in my food
Hidden messages in my dreams
Hidden messages in my laughter
Hidden messages in my clothes
Hidden messages in my music
Hidden messages in my home
Hidden messages in my smile
I’ve not been myself for a while.
Your face is burned into the back of my retinas
You’re talking to me
I’m hanging on your every word watching the words form from your lips
Memories that were once the present
We were there once swapping our bodies, entwined with sofa
We were there
And now I’m here
Akin to being suffocated by thick coarse rope locked tightly across your chest. Being crushed by a large boulder against a rough solid surface. Finding yourself trapped between two sliding doors.
The past and the future.
My breathing quickens. I’m not in control.
I’m not in control of any of these thoughts that use my brain like a cheap, dirty hotel to lay their heads at night.
He only leaves briefly to slither down the hall to bathe in the rusted ceramic bath of ill timed words and suppressed memories. It returns, standing in front of me, staring deep in to my eyes and using my own clothes to dry of the luminous droplets of insanity that seem to tactically fall to the floor, engulfing my bare feet with tingling heat. Like tiny thorns, they prick their way through my skin and make their way into my blood stream. I stare him in the face and he just looks at me and smiles.
We both know full well that I am powerless to resist his gaze.
Spring was just a day away.
We prepared by folding away our winter clothes and placing them neatly in the drawer below the oak wardrobe.
It didn’t matter if the cold still crept in through the draughty front door because we were hopeful that the morning light would bring warmth and hope
Even if tired minds and sunken eyes from the long night before made us slow and weary, we knew we had each other.
And just like all the flowers that grow their first leaf of the year, our love did bloom. Because I was you and you were I even under the unknowing glow of the moon. We gave this house with its tall ceilings and condensed windows warmth and understanding. So when we sat to dinner, you in your chair and I in mine, I looked towards the spring and all the light and all the love that this new season would bring.