Suppose I’ve been away for a while

I couldn’t even tell you where I went

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and not writing

But I’ve got a lot of posts that will probably remain unsent

See even though all my poems come from my heart

Sometimes I don’t think they’re quite enough

I’ll rip them apart

Start from rough

Read them over and over till I find one I might love 

But

Sometimes I don’t

And somedays I won’t

And I guess that’s okay

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Drunken anecdotes

One goodbye and a thousand words left to say
Knowing what it effect it would have on me today,
maybe I wouldn’t have said what I did that day
In that way
But we humans are a sucker for forgetting the bad times and only remembering the good we could hold in our hands
And I suppose I thought that you would not understand
That I just needed some time to be alone
But I wanted to be alone with you?
And it’s silly now because you’ve moved on like people do
But I can’t help but wonder if you were just after someone new
To forget about me
And I can only feel empathy for what may have been and what might still be
Somewhere in the back of the back of brain
Driving you insane
When you realise that she isn’t me

I cycled all the way home
Drunk on fear and drunk on you
And we didn’t speak once
Not even to exchange pleasantries or even for you to take my order
I saw you in the reflection of the door and I wanted to see more of you but I should not impose myself on your new life and your new beginnings but the past is so unforgiving and you are just the same
My boy
My boy in the place where time once held us
together as one
But now
You are gone.

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To be read really really fast

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I keep starting and stopping and starting and stopping again,
And it’s a pain – because everything that I am musing is valid yes
But not enough for me to advance on them or attempt to digress
And I can only bring my own truth to the words that fumble from my fingertips and fall carelessly onto paper
But at this stage I’ve got more chance of being a butcher a baker or even a fucking quaker
Because I’m distracted by the thought of skin on skin and psychical interactions
And if I only had a small fraction of the day to be writing I suppose my focus wouldn’t be as flighting
But my own brain has shut me out temporarily and is refusing to let me in even though I am the one who primarily interacts with it on a day to day basis
Suppose I’ll go back to basics and start again tomorrow in a different environment with a new set of faces…

Maybe?
Ugh.

Farewell.

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I sat on the cold metal bars of the bench waiting for the train to arrive
I watched eagerly down the line for a sign of movement, rubbing my hands together to create warmth
It must’ve been 2 degrees out
I wrapped my scarf around my neck
and again
and again
and until only the tassles hung down

The train was late

I reached into my pocket to grab my phone forgetting the mass amounts of receipts I had in there
They quickly got caught up with the wind, circulating through the air like symphonies
There was no point trying to grab them
Plus there was no one around so I didn’t feel as bad about littering

I perched eagle eyed waiting for the train to come, I just wanted to get home
I was shattered, I’d been walking all day
I felt like I’d been walking for 10 hours and all I wanted to do was be horizontal for a while and stare at the ceiling

Looking down the tunnel I saw two lights approaching, this must be it
I stood up and went to pick my rucksack from the floor when I saw it
Your face
Your pass card
You’d shown it to me when we had sat up in your room that time
You were 13 and long straight hair grazed your forehead
You were nothing like the curly haired boy I had come to know and love
I told you I was taking it and tucked you neatly into my purse

How was it on the floor now?
I must have accidentally have swiped it up with all my receipts and stuffed it in to my pocket
Too heavy to be swept up with the wind you just fell to the floor
Now you were just lying there, vacantly staring at me
I stood for what must have been too long just remembering
too long because I hadn’t seen that face in a while and
too long because now the train was at the platform
I bent down to pick you up and then thought against it

I guess it’s time I let go
I guess it’s time I leave you here
I guess it’s time I move on too

I stepped onto the train and walked over to the next free seat
I gazed out the window at the small laminated card on the ground as the train pulled away.

Hidden

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Hidden messages in my mirror
Hidden messages in my notebook
Hidden messages in my conversations
Hidden messages on my computer
Hidden messages in my thoughts
Hidden messages in my actions
Hidden messages in my food
Hidden messages in my dreams
Hidden messages in my laughter
Hidden messages in my clothes
Hidden messages in my music
Hidden messages in my home
Hidden messages in my smile

I’ve not been myself for a while.