you are the reason I can’t sleep at night


He said I don’t like it when you look at me that way

With those eyes, do you really have nothing to say?

You fucked off and left me standing here to pick up the pieces,

And now you stand there and look at me with that smirk that you know teases?

I never wanted any of this, I never wanted you, 

But you traced yourself into my life and now you stand here LIKE you do

Gazing down on me as though you never even knew my name, leaving me thinking that after all this IM the one to blame

I didn’t believe in love and I never believed in happy endings,

I got through all my relationships with fake smiles but I knew I was pretending,

you caught my eye and yeah I thought you were beautiful,

but I meet pretty girls everyday what made you so special,

an intellectual, always seen with a pen and paper

I thought yeah she’s alright and I might try and date her

but that was all you know, a passing thought before I slept

and now I’m lying here with all those memories I’ll never forget 

your smell is in the pillow with that shit shampoo you hate

but you always bought it anyway because it was cheap and I always thought that was great 

your clothes are still in my wardrobe taking up all the space

and I would move them but then I imagine you pulling that face 

you know,

the one you do when i move any of your things and you sit there looking concerned while you fiddle with all your rings, 

and you had too many rings anyway it was always hard to hold your hand  and you’d joke that you’d take them off when I bought you a wedding band 

and one night I did think that maybe I would propose one day, and then I laughed it off coz I always said no way,

why would anyone want to be tied down for the rest of their life

Calling a woman they can barely stand their dearly beloved wife?

you pissed me off and yeah we had our issues but then you’d call me up and be like babe you know I miss you

and if it was anyone, it would be you that I’d put up with forever, 

it’d be you I would set up home with,

i suppose

it was always you.

I am

I’m looking at her, and she’s staring straight back at me

Vacant eyed and expressionless

I motion my hand before her face

She doesn’t flinch

She doesn’t move, not one inch

What does she want and why is she here?

Why when I close my eyes does she not disappear?

I touch her and she accepts

I wrap my palm around her cheek and give it a sharp smack

She raises her arm and does it back

I stumble, bewildered

I move a strand of hair from by her eye

She blinks back absently

Again

She raises her arm and gently tucks a strand of hair behind my ear

She opens her mouth

Here comes the fear
I am

Omnipotent

Omnipresent

Omniscient

I am

Lessons learnt

Today I learnt:

  1. That my cat loves to do her best impressions of a beached whale at my bedroom door, especially in the early hours of the morning
  2. You can spend a lot of time in the gym solely working your shoulders
  3. How to make a basic African tomato stew
  4. How to dismantle a Dyson AM08 fan
  5. That if a trolley doesn’t push easily outside ASDA, then it surely won’t work inside ASDA (same probs goes for all supermarket trolleys)
  6. That I eat more on antibiotics when I’m supposed to have a regimented food timetable
  7. Today I learnt that you don’t want the same as me
  8. That you are sorry
  9. That you don’t want to see me again
  10. That I don’t cry much even when I am really sad
  11. That I am so good at being sad that I enjoy being sad because I know that I am good at it
  12. That I get over things very quickly
  13. That I am very strong and brave
  14. But that I am very sad

Relations

I think that relationships these days are forged on the fear of being alone

The want to have someone waiting for you at home

I think that people get into things so they can change their Facebook status

‘Hey, aren’t we fit, go on, rate us’

I think some people get into things because the sex is good

Even if the conversation is dry and agendas are misunderstood

Deep down, I think everyone is scared to be by themselves

We are sociable creatures and we want someone who is willing to delve

Into the murky waters of our past hurt and guilt

And promise you that the way we think and feel can be rebuilt

But we shouldn’t have to compromise with our lives

You can’t build a solid foundation based on lies

Relationships shouldn’t just conform, they should inspire

They shouldn’t be lukewarm, they should be FIRE

A union of two people with similar ideologies and aspirations

Two people with enough admiration to give affirmation without consideration

And you shouldn’t be joined at the hip either

Give time for personal development, remember to take a breather

Because being with someone should enhance your life and not consume it

So find someone and build an empire together, don’t just…

Commit.