Lessons learnt

Today I learnt:

  1. That my cat loves to do her best impressions of a beached whale at my bedroom door, especially in the early hours of the morning
  2. You can spend a lot of time in the gym solely working your shoulders
  3. How to make a basic African tomato stew
  4. How to dismantle a Dyson AM08 fan
  5. That if a trolley doesn’t push easily outside ASDA, then it surely won’t work inside ASDA (same probs goes for all supermarket trolleys)
  6. That I eat more on antibiotics when I’m supposed to have a regimented food timetable
  7. Today I learnt that you don’t want the same as me
  8. That you are sorry
  9. That you don’t want to see me again
  10. That I don’t cry much even when I am really sad
  11. That I am so good at being sad that I enjoy being sad because I know that I am good at it
  12. That I get over things very quickly
  13. That I am very strong and brave
  14. But that I am very sad

Advertisements

Farewell.

image

I sat on the cold metal bars of the bench waiting for the train to arrive
I watched eagerly down the line for a sign of movement, rubbing my hands together to create warmth
It must’ve been 2 degrees out
I wrapped my scarf around my neck
and again
and again
and until only the tassles hung down

The train was late

I reached into my pocket to grab my phone forgetting the mass amounts of receipts I had in there
They quickly got caught up with the wind, circulating through the air like symphonies
There was no point trying to grab them
Plus there was no one around so I didn’t feel as bad about littering

I perched eagle eyed waiting for the train to come, I just wanted to get home
I was shattered, I’d been walking all day
I felt like I’d been walking for 10 hours and all I wanted to do was be horizontal for a while and stare at the ceiling

Looking down the tunnel I saw two lights approaching, this must be it
I stood up and went to pick my rucksack from the floor when I saw it
Your face
Your pass card
You’d shown it to me when we had sat up in your room that time
You were 13 and long straight hair grazed your forehead
You were nothing like the curly haired boy I had come to know and love
I told you I was taking it and tucked you neatly into my purse

How was it on the floor now?
I must have accidentally have swiped it up with all my receipts and stuffed it in to my pocket
Too heavy to be swept up with the wind you just fell to the floor
Now you were just lying there, vacantly staring at me
I stood for what must have been too long just remembering
too long because I hadn’t seen that face in a while and
too long because now the train was at the platform
I bent down to pick you up and then thought against it

I guess it’s time I let go
I guess it’s time I leave you here
I guess it’s time I move on too

I stepped onto the train and walked over to the next free seat
I gazed out the window at the small laminated card on the ground as the train pulled away.

Hidden

image

Hidden messages in my mirror
Hidden messages in my notebook
Hidden messages in my conversations
Hidden messages on my computer
Hidden messages in my thoughts
Hidden messages in my actions
Hidden messages in my food
Hidden messages in my dreams
Hidden messages in my laughter
Hidden messages in my clothes
Hidden messages in my music
Hidden messages in my home
Hidden messages in my smile

I’ve not been myself for a while.

Ships in the night

image

we watched the ships come in and we sat on the marble steps

ice cream cones and there was this ship

this huge ship just looming over us

I’ll never forget us

I’ll never forget the way your hair forgot to curl in certain places

or the excitement on your face when you were talking about something you loved

I wish I could have that enthusiasm

we sat on my stone garden steps and watched the dog in the window

you told me about the origin of ants and I just thought, wow, you know a lot about nothing

we said we would miss this place

sweet potato and paneer, I wish you were here

I’m sorry that this wasn’t perfect.