you are the reason I can’t sleep at night


He said I don’t like it when you look at me that way

With those eyes, do you really have nothing to say?

You fucked off and left me standing here to pick up the pieces,

And now you stand there and look at me with that smirk that you know teases?

I never wanted any of this, I never wanted you, 

But you traced yourself into my life and now you stand here LIKE you do

Gazing down on me as though you never even knew my name, leaving me thinking that after all this IM the one to blame

I didn’t believe in love and I never believed in happy endings,

I got through all my relationships with fake smiles but I knew I was pretending,

you caught my eye and yeah I thought you were beautiful,

but I meet pretty girls everyday what made you so special,

an intellectual, always seen with a pen and paper

I thought yeah she’s alright and I might try and date her

but that was all you know, a passing thought before I slept

and now I’m lying here with all those memories I’ll never forget 

your smell is in the pillow with that shit shampoo you hate

but you always bought it anyway because it was cheap and I always thought that was great 

your clothes are still in my wardrobe taking up all the space

and I would move them but then I imagine you pulling that face 

you know,

the one you do when i move any of your things and you sit there looking concerned while you fiddle with all your rings, 

and you had too many rings anyway it was always hard to hold your hand  and you’d joke that you’d take them off when I bought you a wedding band 

and one night I did think that maybe I would propose one day, and then I laughed it off coz I always said no way,

why would anyone want to be tied down for the rest of their life

Calling a woman they can barely stand their dearly beloved wife?

you pissed me off and yeah we had our issues but then you’d call me up and be like babe you know I miss you

and if it was anyone, it would be you that I’d put up with forever, 

it’d be you I would set up home with,

i suppose

it was always you.

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Relations

I think that relationships these days are forged on the fear of being alone

The want to have someone waiting for you at home

I think that people get into things so they can change their Facebook status

‘Hey, aren’t we fit, go on, rate us’

I think some people get into things because the sex is good

Even if the conversation is dry and agendas are misunderstood

Deep down, I think everyone is scared to be by themselves

We are sociable creatures and we want someone who is willing to delve

Into the murky waters of our past hurt and guilt

And promise you that the way we think and feel can be rebuilt

But we shouldn’t have to compromise with our lives

You can’t build a solid foundation based on lies

Relationships shouldn’t just conform, they should inspire

They shouldn’t be lukewarm, they should be FIRE

A union of two people with similar ideologies and aspirations

Two people with enough admiration to give affirmation without consideration

And you shouldn’t be joined at the hip either

Give time for personal development, remember to take a breather

Because being with someone should enhance your life and not consume it

So find someone and build an empire together, don’t just…

Commit. 

Hold

                             Anxiety.

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Akin to being suffocated by thick coarse rope locked tightly across your chest. Being crushed by a large boulder against a rough solid surface. Finding yourself trapped between two sliding doors.
The past and the future.

My breathing quickens. I’m not in control.
I’m not in control of any of these thoughts that use my brain like a cheap, dirty hotel to lay their heads at night.
He only leaves briefly to slither down the hall to bathe in the rusted ceramic bath of ill timed words and suppressed memories. It returns, standing in front of me, staring deep in to my eyes and using my own clothes to dry of the luminous droplets of insanity that seem to tactically fall to the floor, engulfing my bare feet with tingling heat. Like tiny thorns, they prick their way through my skin and make their way into my blood stream. I stare him in the face and he just looks at me and smiles.
We both know full well that I am powerless to resist his gaze.

#whoami

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With bated breath, I bide my time and wait for life  to start

For something good will grow from me, I feel this in my heart

Perhaps an extra organ will emerge over night and complete the jigsaw puzzle

Seep energy through my bloodstream and slip into my muscle

Then I will grow stronger, and wiser too

I’ll finally do all the things I know I was born to do

Like a Mountain Ash, I’ll stand tall above the rest

Sprout nature and wear this upon my naked breast

I’ll force my roots from uncertain grounds

A life force, a being, a woman profound

And I will search from mountain to sea

And find the beauty that I know I can be.