you are the reason I can’t sleep at night


He said I don’t like it when you look at me that way

With those eyes, do you really have nothing to say?

You fucked off and left me standing here to pick up the pieces,

And now you stand there and look at me with that smirk that you know teases?

I never wanted any of this, I never wanted you, 

But you traced yourself into my life and now you stand here LIKE you do

Gazing down on me as though you never even knew my name, leaving me thinking that after all this IM the one to blame

I didn’t believe in love and I never believed in happy endings,

I got through all my relationships with fake smiles but I knew I was pretending,

you caught my eye and yeah I thought you were beautiful,

but I meet pretty girls everyday what made you so special,

an intellectual, always seen with a pen and paper

I thought yeah she’s alright and I might try and date her

but that was all you know, a passing thought before I slept

and now I’m lying here with all those memories I’ll never forget 

your smell is in the pillow with that shit shampoo you hate

but you always bought it anyway because it was cheap and I always thought that was great 

your clothes are still in my wardrobe taking up all the space

and I would move them but then I imagine you pulling that face 

you know,

the one you do when i move any of your things and you sit there looking concerned while you fiddle with all your rings, 

and you had too many rings anyway it was always hard to hold your hand  and you’d joke that you’d take them off when I bought you a wedding band 

and one night I did think that maybe I would propose one day, and then I laughed it off coz I always said no way,

why would anyone want to be tied down for the rest of their life

Calling a woman they can barely stand their dearly beloved wife?

you pissed me off and yeah we had our issues but then you’d call me up and be like babe you know I miss you

and if it was anyone, it would be you that I’d put up with forever, 

it’d be you I would set up home with,

i suppose

it was always you.

Lessons learnt

Today I learnt:

  1. That my cat loves to do her best impressions of a beached whale at my bedroom door, especially in the early hours of the morning
  2. You can spend a lot of time in the gym solely working your shoulders
  3. How to make a basic African tomato stew
  4. How to dismantle a Dyson AM08 fan
  5. That if a trolley doesn’t push easily outside ASDA, then it surely won’t work inside ASDA (same probs goes for all supermarket trolleys)
  6. That I eat more on antibiotics when I’m supposed to have a regimented food timetable
  7. Today I learnt that you don’t want the same as me
  8. That you are sorry
  9. That you don’t want to see me again
  10. That I don’t cry much even when I am really sad
  11. That I am so good at being sad that I enjoy being sad because I know that I am good at it
  12. That I get over things very quickly
  13. That I am very strong and brave
  14. But that I am very sad

Relations

I think that relationships these days are forged on the fear of being alone

The want to have someone waiting for you at home

I think that people get into things so they can change their Facebook status

‘Hey, aren’t we fit, go on, rate us’

I think some people get into things because the sex is good

Even if the conversation is dry and agendas are misunderstood

Deep down, I think everyone is scared to be by themselves

We are sociable creatures and we want someone who is willing to delve

Into the murky waters of our past hurt and guilt

And promise you that the way we think and feel can be rebuilt

But we shouldn’t have to compromise with our lives

You can’t build a solid foundation based on lies

Relationships shouldn’t just conform, they should inspire

They shouldn’t be lukewarm, they should be FIRE

A union of two people with similar ideologies and aspirations

Two people with enough admiration to give affirmation without consideration

And you shouldn’t be joined at the hip either

Give time for personal development, remember to take a breather

Because being with someone should enhance your life and not consume it

So find someone and build an empire together, don’t just…

Commit. 

Drunken anecdotes

One goodbye and a thousand words left to say
Knowing what it effect it would have on me today,
maybe I wouldn’t have said what I did that day
In that way
But we humans are a sucker for forgetting the bad times and only remembering the good we could hold in our hands
And I suppose I thought that you would not understand
That I just needed some time to be alone
But I wanted to be alone with you?
And it’s silly now because you’ve moved on like people do
But I can’t help but wonder if you were just after someone new
To forget about me
And I can only feel empathy for what may have been and what might still be
Somewhere in the back of the back of brain
Driving you insane
When you realise that she isn’t me

I cycled all the way home
Drunk on fear and drunk on you
And we didn’t speak once
Not even to exchange pleasantries or even for you to take my order
I saw you in the reflection of the door and I wanted to see more of you but I should not impose myself on your new life and your new beginnings but the past is so unforgiving and you are just the same
My boy
My boy in the place where time once held us
together as one
But now
You are gone.

image

Farewell.

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I sat on the cold metal bars of the bench waiting for the train to arrive
I watched eagerly down the line for a sign of movement, rubbing my hands together to create warmth
It must’ve been 2 degrees out
I wrapped my scarf around my neck
and again
and again
and until only the tassles hung down

The train was late

I reached into my pocket to grab my phone forgetting the mass amounts of receipts I had in there
They quickly got caught up with the wind, circulating through the air like symphonies
There was no point trying to grab them
Plus there was no one around so I didn’t feel as bad about littering

I perched eagle eyed waiting for the train to come, I just wanted to get home
I was shattered, I’d been walking all day
I felt like I’d been walking for 10 hours and all I wanted to do was be horizontal for a while and stare at the ceiling

Looking down the tunnel I saw two lights approaching, this must be it
I stood up and went to pick my rucksack from the floor when I saw it
Your face
Your pass card
You’d shown it to me when we had sat up in your room that time
You were 13 and long straight hair grazed your forehead
You were nothing like the curly haired boy I had come to know and love
I told you I was taking it and tucked you neatly into my purse

How was it on the floor now?
I must have accidentally have swiped it up with all my receipts and stuffed it in to my pocket
Too heavy to be swept up with the wind you just fell to the floor
Now you were just lying there, vacantly staring at me
I stood for what must have been too long just remembering
too long because I hadn’t seen that face in a while and
too long because now the train was at the platform
I bent down to pick you up and then thought against it

I guess it’s time I let go
I guess it’s time I leave you here
I guess it’s time I move on too

I stepped onto the train and walked over to the next free seat
I gazed out the window at the small laminated card on the ground as the train pulled away.

Hidden

image

Hidden messages in my mirror
Hidden messages in my notebook
Hidden messages in my conversations
Hidden messages on my computer
Hidden messages in my thoughts
Hidden messages in my actions
Hidden messages in my food
Hidden messages in my dreams
Hidden messages in my laughter
Hidden messages in my clothes
Hidden messages in my music
Hidden messages in my home
Hidden messages in my smile

I’ve not been myself for a while.

Tinder boyz

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They will tell you their height but not their woes,
They’ll inform you they’re bearded like you didn’t already know
They’ll relay you their job title if they think you’ll be impressed
All these tinder boys are just after pics of your breasts

They want full length photos and they are all, ‘have you got snapchat?’
They’ll harp on about how much they hate cats
The obligatory ski photo to show that they’re outdoorsy
But can’t hold a conversation, it fucking bores me

So, you like to travel but are too lazy to explore my mind?
They won’t ask anything meaningful
Claim that they’ve got no idea of what they want to find

If I had a pound for all the dick pics in my phone
Jack, Kyle, some lad, ummm unknown
I could afford a trombone

A couple brief exchanges and an absent reply
Leaving you checking your notifications like, ‘wow, did they die?’
I’m bored of the game and I’m bored of the choice
I’m bored of the swiping and typing
and the abscence of voice

Having all that choice is pointless if you can’t make a decision
Dating apps are a catalyst for social circumcision
The ability to rapidly connect is causing a disconnect
So let’s reflect
On the defects
Of society
Come up to me in a bar
And get to know
Me