you are the reason I can’t sleep at night


He said I don’t like it when you look at me that way

With those eyes, do you really have nothing to say?

You fucked off and left me standing here to pick up the pieces,

And now you stand there and look at me with that smirk that you know teases?

I never wanted any of this, I never wanted you, 

But you traced yourself into my life and now you stand here LIKE you do

Gazing down on me as though you never even knew my name, leaving me thinking that after all this IM the one to blame

I didn’t believe in love and I never believed in happy endings,

I got through all my relationships with fake smiles but I knew I was pretending,

you caught my eye and yeah I thought you were beautiful,

but I meet pretty girls everyday what made you so special,

an intellectual, always seen with a pen and paper

I thought yeah she’s alright and I might try and date her

but that was all you know, a passing thought before I slept

and now I’m lying here with all those memories I’ll never forget 

your smell is in the pillow with that shit shampoo you hate

but you always bought it anyway because it was cheap and I always thought that was great 

your clothes are still in my wardrobe taking up all the space

and I would move them but then I imagine you pulling that face 

you know,

the one you do when i move any of your things and you sit there looking concerned while you fiddle with all your rings, 

and you had too many rings anyway it was always hard to hold your hand  and you’d joke that you’d take them off when I bought you a wedding band 

and one night I did think that maybe I would propose one day, and then I laughed it off coz I always said no way,

why would anyone want to be tied down for the rest of their life

Calling a woman they can barely stand their dearly beloved wife?

you pissed me off and yeah we had our issues but then you’d call me up and be like babe you know I miss you

and if it was anyone, it would be you that I’d put up with forever, 

it’d be you I would set up home with,

i suppose

it was always you.

I am

I’m looking at her, and she’s staring straight back at me

Vacant eyed and expressionless

I motion my hand before her face

She doesn’t flinch

She doesn’t move, not one inch

What does she want and why is she here?

Why when I close my eyes does she not disappear?

I touch her and she accepts

I wrap my palm around her cheek and give it a sharp smack

She raises her arm and does it back

I stumble, bewildered

I move a strand of hair from by her eye

She blinks back absently

Again

She raises her arm and gently tucks a strand of hair behind my ear

She opens her mouth

Here comes the fear
I am

Omnipotent

Omnipresent

Omniscient

I am

Relations

I think that relationships these days are forged on the fear of being alone

The want to have someone waiting for you at home

I think that people get into things so they can change their Facebook status

‘Hey, aren’t we fit, go on, rate us’

I think some people get into things because the sex is good

Even if the conversation is dry and agendas are misunderstood

Deep down, I think everyone is scared to be by themselves

We are sociable creatures and we want someone who is willing to delve

Into the murky waters of our past hurt and guilt

And promise you that the way we think and feel can be rebuilt

But we shouldn’t have to compromise with our lives

You can’t build a solid foundation based on lies

Relationships shouldn’t just conform, they should inspire

They shouldn’t be lukewarm, they should be FIRE

A union of two people with similar ideologies and aspirations

Two people with enough admiration to give affirmation without consideration

And you shouldn’t be joined at the hip either

Give time for personal development, remember to take a breather

Because being with someone should enhance your life and not consume it

So find someone and build an empire together, don’t just…

Commit. 

Suppose I’ve been away for a while

I couldn’t even tell you where I went

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and not writing

But I’ve got a lot of posts that will probably remain unsent

See even though all my poems come from my heart

Sometimes I don’t think they’re quite enough

I’ll rip them apart

Start from rough

Read them over and over till I find one I might love 

But

Sometimes I don’t

And somedays I won’t

And I guess that’s okay

To be read really really fast

image

I keep starting and stopping and starting and stopping again,
And it’s a pain – because everything that I am musing is valid yes
But not enough for me to advance on them or attempt to digress
And I can only bring my own truth to the words that fumble from my fingertips and fall carelessly onto paper
But at this stage I’ve got more chance of being a butcher a baker or even a fucking quaker
Because I’m distracted by the thought of skin on skin and psychical interactions
And if I only had a small fraction of the day to be writing I suppose my focus wouldn’t be as flighting
But my own brain has shut me out temporarily and is refusing to let me in even though I am the one who primarily interacts with it on a day to day basis
Suppose I’ll go back to basics and start again tomorrow in a different environment with a new set of faces…

Maybe?
Ugh.

Farewell.

image

I sat on the cold metal bars of the bench waiting for the train to arrive
I watched eagerly down the line for a sign of movement, rubbing my hands together to create warmth
It must’ve been 2 degrees out
I wrapped my scarf around my neck
and again
and again
and until only the tassles hung down

The train was late

I reached into my pocket to grab my phone forgetting the mass amounts of receipts I had in there
They quickly got caught up with the wind, circulating through the air like symphonies
There was no point trying to grab them
Plus there was no one around so I didn’t feel as bad about littering

I perched eagle eyed waiting for the train to come, I just wanted to get home
I was shattered, I’d been walking all day
I felt like I’d been walking for 10 hours and all I wanted to do was be horizontal for a while and stare at the ceiling

Looking down the tunnel I saw two lights approaching, this must be it
I stood up and went to pick my rucksack from the floor when I saw it
Your face
Your pass card
You’d shown it to me when we had sat up in your room that time
You were 13 and long straight hair grazed your forehead
You were nothing like the curly haired boy I had come to know and love
I told you I was taking it and tucked you neatly into my purse

How was it on the floor now?
I must have accidentally have swiped it up with all my receipts and stuffed it in to my pocket
Too heavy to be swept up with the wind you just fell to the floor
Now you were just lying there, vacantly staring at me
I stood for what must have been too long just remembering
too long because I hadn’t seen that face in a while and
too long because now the train was at the platform
I bent down to pick you up and then thought against it

I guess it’s time I let go
I guess it’s time I leave you here
I guess it’s time I move on too

I stepped onto the train and walked over to the next free seat
I gazed out the window at the small laminated card on the ground as the train pulled away.